Monday, August 24, 2009

Most things we truly have to walk through alone. No one to tell us it will be alright, no one to wrap their arms around us, no one to give us an sort of guarantee. Just Jesus. He is our guarantee, and sometimes...most of the time, we don't even know what that guarantee is. I love how I know He is here. Behind me, in front of me, above me, all around me, cheering me on. It is scary though. Lord forgive me for my fear. Help me to be most of all honest with you. Let me tell you the truth, more than anyone. Help me to overcome my fears please. I am so tired of being in bondage to these things. At the same time, being forced to my knees, or being in a helpless state is really where you are most able to help me. It's bitter-sweet. You are my breath of fresh air. You are rest for my soul and body. It's kind of weird. I just miss you today. I know where I am supposed to be and this is not my home. I miss home. I miss you. "Who do I have in heaven but you"..., I love that verse. You are all I want. In you there is holiness, here there is filth. Praise be your name. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. It's so silly that I am reserved to trust you and give you my all at times. Not right now. Please take all of me. Please give my husband a new wife, and my boys a new mom, and please let it be me. I am a new creation in you. You are victory. Thank you for all my family and friends that have supported me. Thank you for sharpening me, for letting me have so many troubles so I can see your beauty. Please bring me peace, and help me to let go of the little things and to give, give, give. Fill my cup Lord. I need your help. Please set my boys free, even in small ways. Give our family victory. I'm not perfect, I am a wretched sinner. I deserve hell, I deserve to be without Jesus forever, but He loves me. He wants to be with me, He forgives me, and remembers my sin no more. Not only that, but he wants to get rid of it all, and make me who He originally created me to be. I think that's pretty good deal to sign up for.....don't you?????

Thursday, August 20, 2009

In your arms of love, in your arms of love...,
holding me still..., holding me near, in your arms of love.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Well..., been a while. Wonderful things happening. As usual our lives are up and down and up and down. God has brought some amazing revelation to my heart. I'm so thankful! I've been going through growing pains. That's a better way to put it because it's the truth. I'm so thankful that God never gives up on us and always is working His perfect will our for us.

It's amazing because when we're struggling and I look up towards heaven I sometimes think... "I've got to be doing something wrong, it shouldn't be this hard. Maybe there is an area of sin in my life that I'm not recognizing". Most people pat me on the back and say, "no you are doing it all right, there's just no explanation sometimes." I am frustrated with that answer at times because I want to really, truly know God. If there is sin in my life and I'm wreaking havoc upon myself by not following His perfect plan..., then I want to know it.

I love how God allows us to run around like a dumb sheep in the same circle until we have dug ourselves a rut, but yet He's completely willing to pull us out. He's willing to pull us out of something we've done to ourselves. He's willing to heal and fix things we have broken.

He died for us while we were still yet sinners. Wow! While we were at emnity with Him, He still died for us. I could never do that. I could never lay my life down for someone that just "might" love me back. It's too risky. He died in hope. Hope out of love. He hoped that we would see His love for us and come home. That is how I need to be functioning. Living in hope. It doesn't matter who is in the wrong. Peace and joy come from obeying the Lord. You can't obey one thing and blow off another thing. You can't fight Him and expect to have peace. It really is Him we're fighting, but we're destroying ourselves when we do it. Peace comes from yielding to the Spirit. It's very painful to die to yourself, but amazing when you do.

My point is, is that I have found that area of rebellion in my life, that I have always wondered was there. I just didn't know what it was. I don't think it's what made my boys sick, or my husband. I do think that it is what makes me sick and what makes me a mess. You can't live in rebellion and have peace. It makes no sense. I can't move forward until I understand some of the basics. Basics like in Ephesians about our marital roles. How can I expect to be blessed in every area of my life when I don't obey God in my marriage?

There is so much power in God's word. So many gifts and mysteries left unnoticed. I love the raw truth, not candy-coated to fit a "positive message". The life changing stuff is often difficult to swallow.

Today was extremely busy though. I couldn't breath. I got 8 phone calls on my cell phone and I was only gone 2 hours. I had 3 appointments all on opposite ends of town, financial pressures to be handled right away, that had to just be put on hold because there weren't any resources, both boys were having very hard days, Matty is switching seizure meds and has been very sick from it, and Luke is struggling a lot with his allergies which bring out his difficult behaviors. Then there was laundry, picking up, etc. Not to mention I was really sick too today, but had to do it all anyway. I just wanted to crawl into bed and cry. Needless to say I didn't feel like cooking. LOL! But..., when I got to hear my littlest one laughing hysterically because we were playing so hard and see him move and kick so well, then I got to spend a good 1/2 hour in my 8 year old's arms with him staring at me and loving me and smiling big...., it was ALL worth it. Then I got to be with my sweet hubby. I love my family. Things have been going nicely with my step-daughter, Ariel, too lately. I love her lots. God is awesome and provides.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Today is a day where I'm hanging on by my fingernails. Lord, forgive me for wanting to give up. Sometimes I don't see the point of it all. I'm a poor excuse of an example for you. Today I don't know how to tap into the supernatural grace and mercy you have given me. I don't have enough strength. I don't know how to do it in your strength and not in my own. It's all falling apart anyway. My heart is so broken today. I realize how much I depend on Jason. Maybe you want me to see how much I can do without him on my own. I am so weak and tired.

Today it was just the service I needed at church. David was ready to give up even though God had been faithful countless times to him. That is my story. It's just too much today. I'm empty. How can I confront this situation when my boys have such great needs and I have nothing left to give today. Lord soften my heart and restore my hope. I'm angry today about these circumstances. I want some good things to come into our lives. It's trial after trial after trial. Sickness after sickness and blockade after blockade. It is going to have to be all you today. Please help the boys to be well behaved. Matty is screaming as we speak, but I need just a moment. Just a moment to myself to beg for help and mercy from you Lord. Thank you for the blessings I do have. Thank you that you can bring me peace. Help me to rest in your arms of love.

Song by Eddie B. -

Everyday I take a step to the mountain of my God. Walking through the wilderness I get weary, but I keep my eyes on the mountain top.

Sometimes I just want to quit it all, but the Holy Spirit lifts me up before I fall. I keep on walking down this narrow road, it's too heavy for me I can't do this on my own. Holy Spirit.., carry me home.

Pick up my armor and I began to fight, in the midst of my battle I can see my King standing in front of me. "If your walking in my footsteps you wont have to follow in the steps of all the others." So I follow you.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

The sun is shining, my children aren't ill, and we have a roof over our head and food on the table. I am thankful. I'm mostly thankful for my wonderful husband. Our life is far from perfect, but he is my best friend I am only half of me without him.

He had chest pain last night and we had to go to the ER. Everything tested ok for now, but he needs to have a treadmill heart test within 72 hours. I came home and did the exhausting routine with the boys, but felt so blessed by them too. Then when they were both in bed it was so silent. A silence that I don't want to hear again. Just a glimpse of what it would be without my mate. We each pick up where the other has no strength. I'm so thankful to the Lord that he saw fit to put us together. He knew we'd make a good team I guess. I know this is all for a purpose, a good one.

Haven't written in a while. I had the flu a couple of weeks ago and it took me a few days to recover. I have truly been overwhelmed and failing at every turn. I fail to act in a way pleasing to God I know. I just react to my situation sometimes, putting on a smile that might not even be real, just to act like everything is okay. Sometimes it's not, but that doesn't mean that the Lord is any different. He is still good and still loves me.

My biggest thing is keeping my mouth closed. However I have learned this a lot over the years that it's what is in the heart anyway that comes out of the mouth, so really.... my heart is what needs to be changed. Jesus really had a perfect plan...., asking us to love our enemies, go the extra mile for people who hate us, forgive over and over and over, and have peace in the midst of all of it. I hope I don't sound sarcastic. I'm not trying to be. The plan, from what I see in my own life, is that all that is impossible!!!!!! It's only possible with Him living inside of you, and submitting to His authority. We have to allow ourselves to be placed under that authority. It really is a true love, a responsive love, not a love out of obligation. We have to die to ourselves. I know everyone knows this, but I guess I am just needing to say it to myself again and again.

God is so good. He truly sustains me. "Whom do I have in heaven but you?" I love that. Nothing else in this life matters but Him. When all you see is Him, you want to do what He asks. Lord, help me to be a vessel of honor and not of dishonor. I want to have what I do count for something. I want to not just scrape by, barely hanging onto the cliff. I want joy! I've been so pressed on every side lately. Maybe I'm doing it on my own strength. Help me Lord to be back into that dependant state on you. It's such a safe place, a peaceful place. Remind me that I don't have to do this on my own and that you are the healer of my heart. Please heal my brokenness and my waywardness.

The definition of "sustain" - to keep in existence; to maintain; to supply with necessities or nourishment; to keep from falling or sinking.

Wow! I am so thankful to Jesus though. He gives us all we need to take care of these children. We were blessed with a huge gift last week. A friend nominated us for a $500 gift card to Walmart and 5 Roaring Springs passes and 5 passes to boondocks. He gives us what we need at the right moment. He's always on time. It sure doesn't feel like it in the moment, but I just need to trust.

Lots of love,

Sunday, July 12, 2009

That last couple of days have been hard. Today after church I was horribly attacked and had some scary thoughts. Please pray for me. I do not want to be afraid. Fear has been something that has always gripped my neck, even since I was little. I was scared of people, scared of disasters, and scared of my own shadow I suppose. There is no place for fear in my life, no room, no energy left. The thoughts that came from behind and caught me unpreparedhaven't gone away quickly.

I instantly grabbed my bible. My thoughts were all over the place. Could it just be hormones, could it be a serious health problem, or... could it just be the depressing weather. Either way, I didn't feel safe so I started to read.

First God brought me to Psalm 56:8-13 (from Bob's sermon) I put the red in, that's where God spoke to me.

You have kept count of my tossings, put my tears in your bottle, Are they not in your book? Then my enemies will turn back in the day when I call, This I know, that God is for me. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid. What can flesh do to me? I must perform my vows to you, O God; I will render thank offerings to you. For you have delivered my soul from death, yes, my feet from falling, that I may walk before God in the light of life.

I was so thankful to find this gem hidden in my dad's love story to me. But, even then the thoughts kept pecking at me. I asked Jason to pray for me again and I prayed and cried. I'm realizing now more and more that it's for our own good that God wants us to be prepared and in His word. Bad things can happen if you are not prepared.

Here's where God met me where I was. Psalm 57:1-3

Be merciful to me, O God, be merciful to me, for in you my soul takes refuge; in the shadow of your wings I will take refuge, till the storm of destruction pass by. I cry out to God Most High, to God who fulfills his purpose for me. He will send from heaven and save me; he will put to shame him who tramples on me. God will send out his steadfast love and his faithfulness!

Thank you Lord for not leaving us. I alone am not unshakable, but it's the might of who my dad is (The King of Kings) and His majesty that gives me life and strength. It's the authority of who I come in that I can take refuge in. He is unmovable, unshakable.

I forget that not only can He save me from people who seek to destroy me, but now that I am his kid, he can save me from myself as long as I cry out to Him.

Thank you Lord. Praise you for not leaving me. I'm so thankful I can entrust you safely with my heart and my life.


Thursday, July 9, 2009

I'm not feeling it today. Haha. It's funny, right when you think you are ready, you aren't. I'm grouchy, so tired, and not feeling worthy of the call that is handed to me today. It's funny how we treat God's word as a reactive tool, and not a proactive tool. Same with prayer. So..., I'm going to take a few minutes and dive into the bible. Nothing like running on empty when you could have a full tank.

I'm having a hard time letting go of Luke today. He is gone so much and has such a big day for a little guy. He goes to school from 9-12:30, then Intensive Therapy from 1-6:30. He does this Monday through Friday. I miss him a lot and wish sometimes I could bail him out, but I know this has to be what's best for him. When I do see him for a short while I'm having to feed him (which is a battle), give him meds, and maybe get a quick squeeze in. I really wish today he could tell me how he feels about all of this, his life, what he wants. One day. Lord, cause Luke to find his voice. I want him to talk so badly.

Sweet Matty, his seizure activity seems to be increasing on these new meds he started, and he sleeps and naps less. Ahhhhhhh! I need his naps. He has been so happy the last few days though, kicking and wiggling more than I've seen in months and laughing hysterically at everything. He is such a joy.

Well, I need to go take that time in the word, so I can function.

Lots of love,