Tuesday, July 28, 2009

The sun is shining, my children aren't ill, and we have a roof over our head and food on the table. I am thankful. I'm mostly thankful for my wonderful husband. Our life is far from perfect, but he is my best friend I am only half of me without him.

He had chest pain last night and we had to go to the ER. Everything tested ok for now, but he needs to have a treadmill heart test within 72 hours. I came home and did the exhausting routine with the boys, but felt so blessed by them too. Then when they were both in bed it was so silent. A silence that I don't want to hear again. Just a glimpse of what it would be without my mate. We each pick up where the other has no strength. I'm so thankful to the Lord that he saw fit to put us together. He knew we'd make a good team I guess. I know this is all for a purpose, a good one.

Haven't written in a while. I had the flu a couple of weeks ago and it took me a few days to recover. I have truly been overwhelmed and failing at every turn. I fail to act in a way pleasing to God I know. I just react to my situation sometimes, putting on a smile that might not even be real, just to act like everything is okay. Sometimes it's not, but that doesn't mean that the Lord is any different. He is still good and still loves me.

My biggest thing is keeping my mouth closed. However I have learned this a lot over the years that it's what is in the heart anyway that comes out of the mouth, so really.... my heart is what needs to be changed. Jesus really had a perfect plan...., asking us to love our enemies, go the extra mile for people who hate us, forgive over and over and over, and have peace in the midst of all of it. I hope I don't sound sarcastic. I'm not trying to be. The plan, from what I see in my own life, is that all that is impossible!!!!!! It's only possible with Him living inside of you, and submitting to His authority. We have to allow ourselves to be placed under that authority. It really is a true love, a responsive love, not a love out of obligation. We have to die to ourselves. I know everyone knows this, but I guess I am just needing to say it to myself again and again.

God is so good. He truly sustains me. "Whom do I have in heaven but you?" I love that. Nothing else in this life matters but Him. When all you see is Him, you want to do what He asks. Lord, help me to be a vessel of honor and not of dishonor. I want to have what I do count for something. I want to not just scrape by, barely hanging onto the cliff. I want joy! I've been so pressed on every side lately. Maybe I'm doing it on my own strength. Help me Lord to be back into that dependant state on you. It's such a safe place, a peaceful place. Remind me that I don't have to do this on my own and that you are the healer of my heart. Please heal my brokenness and my waywardness.

The definition of "sustain" - to keep in existence; to maintain; to supply with necessities or nourishment; to keep from falling or sinking.

Wow! I am so thankful to Jesus though. He gives us all we need to take care of these children. We were blessed with a huge gift last week. A friend nominated us for a $500 gift card to Walmart and 5 Roaring Springs passes and 5 passes to boondocks. He gives us what we need at the right moment. He's always on time. It sure doesn't feel like it in the moment, but I just need to trust.

Lots of love,
Amber

Sunday, July 12, 2009

That last couple of days have been hard. Today after church I was horribly attacked and had some scary thoughts. Please pray for me. I do not want to be afraid. Fear has been something that has always gripped my neck, even since I was little. I was scared of people, scared of disasters, and scared of my own shadow I suppose. There is no place for fear in my life, no room, no energy left. The thoughts that came from behind and caught me unpreparedhaven't gone away quickly.

I instantly grabbed my bible. My thoughts were all over the place. Could it just be hormones, could it be a serious health problem, or... could it just be the depressing weather. Either way, I didn't feel safe so I started to read.

First God brought me to Psalm 56:8-13 (from Bob's sermon) I put the red in, that's where God spoke to me.

You have kept count of my tossings, put my tears in your bottle, Are they not in your book? Then my enemies will turn back in the day when I call, This I know, that God is for me. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid. What can flesh do to me? I must perform my vows to you, O God; I will render thank offerings to you. For you have delivered my soul from death, yes, my feet from falling, that I may walk before God in the light of life.

I was so thankful to find this gem hidden in my dad's love story to me. But, even then the thoughts kept pecking at me. I asked Jason to pray for me again and I prayed and cried. I'm realizing now more and more that it's for our own good that God wants us to be prepared and in His word. Bad things can happen if you are not prepared.

Here's where God met me where I was. Psalm 57:1-3

Be merciful to me, O God, be merciful to me, for in you my soul takes refuge; in the shadow of your wings I will take refuge, till the storm of destruction pass by. I cry out to God Most High, to God who fulfills his purpose for me. He will send from heaven and save me; he will put to shame him who tramples on me. God will send out his steadfast love and his faithfulness!

Thank you Lord for not leaving us. I alone am not unshakable, but it's the might of who my dad is (The King of Kings) and His majesty that gives me life and strength. It's the authority of who I come in that I can take refuge in. He is unmovable, unshakable.

I forget that not only can He save me from people who seek to destroy me, but now that I am his kid, he can save me from myself as long as I cry out to Him.

Thank you Lord. Praise you for not leaving me. I'm so thankful I can entrust you safely with my heart and my life.

Amber

Thursday, July 9, 2009

I'm not feeling it today. Haha. It's funny, right when you think you are ready, you aren't. I'm grouchy, so tired, and not feeling worthy of the call that is handed to me today. It's funny how we treat God's word as a reactive tool, and not a proactive tool. Same with prayer. So..., I'm going to take a few minutes and dive into the bible. Nothing like running on empty when you could have a full tank.

I'm having a hard time letting go of Luke today. He is gone so much and has such a big day for a little guy. He goes to school from 9-12:30, then Intensive Therapy from 1-6:30. He does this Monday through Friday. I miss him a lot and wish sometimes I could bail him out, but I know this has to be what's best for him. When I do see him for a short while I'm having to feed him (which is a battle), give him meds, and maybe get a quick squeeze in. I really wish today he could tell me how he feels about all of this, his life, what he wants. One day. Lord, cause Luke to find his voice. I want him to talk so badly.

Sweet Matty, his seizure activity seems to be increasing on these new meds he started, and he sleeps and naps less. Ahhhhhhh! I need his naps. He has been so happy the last few days though, kicking and wiggling more than I've seen in months and laughing hysterically at everything. He is such a joy.

Well, I need to go take that time in the word, so I can function.

Lots of love,

Amber

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Today, I have one of those feelings like "I don't know what's in store for today". I'm kind of peeking around the corner in anticipation and caution at the same time. I'm so thankful for my husband today. I'm thankful that he is here and is such an amazing father. He loves his kids so much. He may get angry, or discipline, but they never know it for long because his love for them is right around the corner and he forgives quickly. He's had horrible health problems since mid March of this year. He got a blood clot in his lung on March 12, then was sent home. Shortly after he was diagnosed with Reactive Arthritis and was put on another couple of medications. Ever since then he has had horrific migraines constantly with no breaks. I guess you could say he's had a headache for 3 months. Yesterday he had an MRI and it was normal. I know he was discouraged because there are still no answers. They've tried 3 different pain meds, and nothing. We've grown used to the news "we don't know why this happened".

However, I truly believe with all my heart there is a reason. I know that God and Jason are working something out, or working through something I should say. We all have to be pruned and I know I have had my fair share in the last few years.

I just want to share God's perfect grace and mercy though. It was about 5 or 6 months ago I was going through a major faith crisis and problems with my body and struggling with a lot of other things. Jason has always had so much faith with not a lot of doubting. He knows God's word and seems to always have a reference for me to go to, and has always been willing to pray with me when I ask. I remember thinking "if Jason ever had a crisis in his faith, his health, or anything where he couldn't be the encourager and rock of our family, we would be so screwed". I knew that because I've always been a coward, fearful, strong-willed, not always willing to yield to God's Spirit and trust or obey.

Complete Miracle. God has blessed me with so much persistence and faith in Him. He has been glorified and risen me to the occasion. The trial and fire I was going through was perfectly preparing me for this. I somehow know that it will all be okay. I don't know what that will look like, but I know it's true. When Jason is really sick I pray with him, for him and over him. God has not allowed me to get discouraged even though I've asked for healing many, many times. Also, He's given me the physical strength to take care of the boys on my own. Not to mention, His presence has been strong in me. His word has spoke to me more than it ever has in my life. He truly gives me my daily bread, and just what I need for each moment. I'm forever thankful to Him. He has also given us provision through family and the body. People have given in many different ways. Brought meals, bought us food, help at church, family buying clothes for the boys, call to check on us and pray with me, listen to me cry, come watched the boys and given us respite. I'm so thankful.

Help me Lord to be still and listen to your voice today. Please let my reply be yes and Amen and to not waste anymore of my life asking the "whys", but to just trust in your loving kindness.

Amber

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Start-Up

Today, I want to begin to share our journey.

There are so many unanswered questions, so many unexplained reasons, a lot of heartache at times.

I'm so thankful that there are so many that love us and are willing to walk along side of us and bare our burdens. There are some who can't handle it, it's too much, too many unanswered questions, too much heartache, and frankly too much of a burden to get their hands dirty.

I want to start sharing though, the greatness of our God. The depth of His love, the marvelous works of His hands in our lives. He truly is the potter and we are the clay. He is the answer to all questions. In Him there is no hopelessness and no despair.

My hope is that these entries will be filled with hope, restoration, truth, honesty, and joy. I want people to learn about and see God through our journey. He is the center of all we do and are. I want people to learn how trustworthy, sovereign, and good He is.

He sustains us and He created each of us for each other. Jason for me, me for Jason, our children for us, and us for our children.

I want people to be able to stay up on all that is going on in our lives. I've been encouraged by several people to write a book or start a blog. I think the blog is more feasible right now. So please check in and feel free to question, comment, pray, and rejoice with us.

Lots of Love,

Amber