Most things we truly have to walk through alone. No one to tell us it will be alright, no one to wrap their arms around us, no one to give us an sort of guarantee. Just Jesus. He is our guarantee, and sometimes...most of the time, we don't even know what that guarantee is. I love how I know He is here. Behind me, in front of me, above me, all around me, cheering me on. It is scary though. Lord forgive me for my fear. Help me to be most of all honest with you. Let me tell you the truth, more than anyone. Help me to overcome my fears please. I am so tired of being in bondage to these things. At the same time, being forced to my knees, or being in a helpless state is really where you are most able to help me. It's bitter-sweet. You are my breath of fresh air. You are rest for my soul and body. It's kind of weird. I just miss you today. I know where I am supposed to be and this is not my home. I miss home. I miss you. "Who do I have in heaven but you"..., I love that verse. You are all I want. In you there is holiness, here there is filth. Praise be your name. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. It's so silly that I am reserved to trust you and give you my all at times. Not right now. Please take all of me. Please give my husband a new wife, and my boys a new mom, and please let it be me. I am a new creation in you. You are victory. Thank you for all my family and friends that have supported me. Thank you for sharpening me, for letting me have so many troubles so I can see your beauty. Please bring me peace, and help me to let go of the little things and to give, give, give. Fill my cup Lord. I need your help. Please set my boys free, even in small ways. Give our family victory. I'm not perfect, I am a wretched sinner. I deserve hell, I deserve to be without Jesus forever, but He loves me. He wants to be with me, He forgives me, and remembers my sin no more. Not only that, but he wants to get rid of it all, and make me who He originally created me to be. I think that's pretty good deal to sign up for.....don't you?????

In your arms of love, in your arms of love...,
holding me still..., holding me near, in your arms of love.

Well..., been a while. Wonderful things happening. As usual our lives are up and down and up and down. God has brought some amazing revelation to my heart. I'm so thankful! I've been going through growing pains. That's a better way to put it because it's the truth. I'm so thankful that God never gives up on us and always is working His perfect will our for us.

It's amazing because when we're struggling and I look up towards heaven I sometimes think... "I've got to be doing something wrong, it shouldn't be this hard. Maybe there is an area of sin in my life that I'm not recognizing". Most people pat me on the back and say, "no you are doing it all right, there's just no explanation sometimes." I am frustrated with that answer at times because I want to really, truly know God. If there is sin in my life and I'm wreaking havoc upon myself by not following His perfect plan..., then I want to know it.

I love how God allows us to run around like a dumb sheep in the same circle until we have dug ourselves a rut, but yet He's completely willing to pull us out. He's willing to pull us out of something we've done to ourselves. He's willing to heal and fix things we have broken.

He died for us while we were still yet sinners. Wow! While we were at emnity with Him, He still died for us. I could never do that. I could never lay my life down for someone that just "might" love me back. It's too risky. He died in hope. Hope out of love. He hoped that we would see His love for us and come home. That is how I need to be functioning. Living in hope. It doesn't matter who is in the wrong. Peace and joy come from obeying the Lord. You can't obey one thing and blow off another thing. You can't fight Him and expect to have peace. It really is Him we're fighting, but we're destroying ourselves when we do it. Peace comes from yielding to the Spirit. It's very painful to die to yourself, but amazing when you do.

My point is, is that I have found that area of rebellion in my life, that I have always wondered was there. I just didn't know what it was. I don't think it's what made my boys sick, or my husband. I do think that it is what makes me sick and what makes me a mess. You can't live in rebellion and have peace. It makes no sense. I can't move forward until I understand some of the basics. Basics like in Ephesians about our marital roles. How can I expect to be blessed in every area of my life when I don't obey God in my marriage?

There is so much power in God's word. So many gifts and mysteries left unnoticed. I love the raw truth, not candy-coated to fit a "positive message". The life changing stuff is often difficult to swallow.

Today was extremely busy though. I couldn't breath. I got 8 phone calls on my cell phone and I was only gone 2 hours. I had 3 appointments all on opposite ends of town, financial pressures to be handled right away, that had to just be put on hold because there weren't any resources, both boys were having very hard days, Matty is switching seizure meds and has been very sick from it, and Luke is struggling a lot with his allergies which bring out his difficult behaviors. Then there was laundry, picking up, etc. Not to mention I was really sick too today, but had to do it all anyway. I just wanted to crawl into bed and cry. Needless to say I didn't feel like cooking. LOL! But..., when I got to hear my littlest one laughing hysterically because we were playing so hard and see him move and kick so well, then I got to spend a good 1/2 hour in my 8 year old's arms with him staring at me and loving me and smiling big...., it was ALL worth it. Then I got to be with my sweet hubby. I love my family. Things have been going nicely with my step-daughter, Ariel, too lately. I love her lots. God is awesome and provides.

Today is a day where I'm hanging on by my fingernails. Lord, forgive me for wanting to give up. Sometimes I don't see the point of it all. I'm a poor excuse of an example for you. Today I don't know how to tap into the supernatural grace and mercy you have given me. I don't have enough strength. I don't know how to do it in your strength and not in my own. It's all falling apart anyway. My heart is so broken today. I realize how much I depend on Jason. Maybe you want me to see how much I can do without him on my own. I am so weak and tired.

Today it was just the service I needed at church. David was ready to give up even though God had been faithful countless times to him. That is my story. It's just too much today. I'm empty. How can I confront this situation when my boys have such great needs and I have nothing left to give today. Lord soften my heart and restore my hope. I'm angry today about these circumstances. I want some good things to come into our lives. It's trial after trial after trial. Sickness after sickness and blockade after blockade. It is going to have to be all you today. Please help the boys to be well behaved. Matty is screaming as we speak, but I need just a moment. Just a moment to myself to beg for help and mercy from you Lord. Thank you for the blessings I do have. Thank you that you can bring me peace. Help me to rest in your arms of love.

Song by Eddie B. -

Everyday I take a step to the mountain of my God. Walking through the wilderness I get weary, but I keep my eyes on the mountain top.

Sometimes I just want to quit it all, but the Holy Spirit lifts me up before I fall. I keep on walking down this narrow road, it's too heavy for me I can't do this on my own. Holy Spirit.., carry me home.

Pick up my armor and I began to fight, in the midst of my battle I can see my King standing in front of me. "If your walking in my footsteps you wont have to follow in the steps of all the others." So I follow you.