Tuesday, July 28, 2009

The sun is shining, my children aren't ill, and we have a roof over our head and food on the table. I am thankful. I'm mostly thankful for my wonderful husband. Our life is far from perfect, but he is my best friend I am only half of me without him.

He had chest pain last night and we had to go to the ER. Everything tested ok for now, but he needs to have a treadmill heart test within 72 hours. I came home and did the exhausting routine with the boys, but felt so blessed by them too. Then when they were both in bed it was so silent. A silence that I don't want to hear again. Just a glimpse of what it would be without my mate. We each pick up where the other has no strength. I'm so thankful to the Lord that he saw fit to put us together. He knew we'd make a good team I guess. I know this is all for a purpose, a good one.

Haven't written in a while. I had the flu a couple of weeks ago and it took me a few days to recover. I have truly been overwhelmed and failing at every turn. I fail to act in a way pleasing to God I know. I just react to my situation sometimes, putting on a smile that might not even be real, just to act like everything is okay. Sometimes it's not, but that doesn't mean that the Lord is any different. He is still good and still loves me.

My biggest thing is keeping my mouth closed. However I have learned this a lot over the years that it's what is in the heart anyway that comes out of the mouth, so really.... my heart is what needs to be changed. Jesus really had a perfect plan...., asking us to love our enemies, go the extra mile for people who hate us, forgive over and over and over, and have peace in the midst of all of it. I hope I don't sound sarcastic. I'm not trying to be. The plan, from what I see in my own life, is that all that is impossible!!!!!! It's only possible with Him living inside of you, and submitting to His authority. We have to allow ourselves to be placed under that authority. It really is a true love, a responsive love, not a love out of obligation. We have to die to ourselves. I know everyone knows this, but I guess I am just needing to say it to myself again and again.

God is so good. He truly sustains me. "Whom do I have in heaven but you?" I love that. Nothing else in this life matters but Him. When all you see is Him, you want to do what He asks. Lord, help me to be a vessel of honor and not of dishonor. I want to have what I do count for something. I want to not just scrape by, barely hanging onto the cliff. I want joy! I've been so pressed on every side lately. Maybe I'm doing it on my own strength. Help me Lord to be back into that dependant state on you. It's such a safe place, a peaceful place. Remind me that I don't have to do this on my own and that you are the healer of my heart. Please heal my brokenness and my waywardness.

The definition of "sustain" - to keep in existence; to maintain; to supply with necessities or nourishment; to keep from falling or sinking.

Wow! I am so thankful to Jesus though. He gives us all we need to take care of these children. We were blessed with a huge gift last week. A friend nominated us for a $500 gift card to Walmart and 5 Roaring Springs passes and 5 passes to boondocks. He gives us what we need at the right moment. He's always on time. It sure doesn't feel like it in the moment, but I just need to trust.

Lots of love,
Amber

No comments:

Post a Comment